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| ID: two women sitting on a windowsill. Source: Pinterest. |
As a newly-realised lesbian, former bisexual, navigating my friendships with women at university has been a fun, humbling, and character-testing experience. I’ve completed much of the lesbian checklist: from the drawn out first ‘wlw’ highschool heartbreak that followed me into first year; to the devastatingly embarrassing and unreciprocated crush that took far too long to dissipate; and the tension-filled-friendship, turned-week-long-relationship, turned really-close-friend. Though these moments have tested my sanity, they have taught me about myself and the capacities of love in all forms. If nothing else, I hope I can share and advise in a way that won’t scare any more bisexual women away from dating girls - we want you, I promise.
From the attention and care that is shared without expectation for reciprocity, to the mutual respect that isn't based on outside ‘beauty’. The romance found in friendships between women and queer people is so important to me. These friendships are truly a beautiful testament to the expansive possibilities people have to love and be loved. The societal emphasis put on a woman's role as a wife and mother, and therefore the goal of a romantic monogamous partnership can limit the view of love. I’d say, however, that in queer spaces especially love between friends is given far more freely and intimately as the heteronormative expectations are relieved, to an extent.
Imagine you are 13 again, you've got some pocket money, and you've bought yourself a teen magazine. Here inlines the big-sisterly advice page. A guide—if you will—to liking women, being friends with other women and lesbian/queer-identifying people, and navigating all the confusing emotions that can come up.
1. How to tell the difference between romantic and platonic feelings?
The close nature of friendships between queer people and women is so valuable and healing. However, when sexual attraction or the question of romantic potential enters the picture, the emotional intimacy and comfort found in friendships with women can quickly become a funny, yet tricky situation. If you are new to these dynamics, the safety in physical and emotional closeness, it can feel hard to know if the way you feel in these relationships is romantic or platonic.
Here are two ways that I have learned to help me tell the difference:
One: If you picture them with another person, they are genuinely fulfilled and happy - does the picture leave you with a tinge of sadness, hoping that it were you, or are you simply happy for them? If you feel more intently for the former, you probably have romantic feelings for them.
Two: Are your characters, your moral compasses, and your life goals compatible? Do you look up to them and feel like you would learn from them or that a partnership would add value to your life? If you have serious hesitations about any of these, it may just be a surface-level crush, not proper romantic feelings.
Sometimes the feeling of admiration or the attention given to/from you can be confused for romantic feelings, and that’s okay, but unfair if there is an imbalance in feelings and a lack of communication.
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| ID: two women sitting on a pavement. Source: Pinterest. |
2. What to do when there is an imbalance in feelings?
Unreciprocated romantic feelings aren’t fun to deal with, but I find that within queer settings, the line between how platonic and romantic relationships form and act are different to those between cishet men and women.
We don’t owe people reciprocity if it doesn’t feel right and in some circumstances, an unreciprocated crush that is vocalised on and dealt with empathetically can be a great start to a friendship - free of ‘what-ifs’. You may have one sided romantic feelings for someone, but if you have created a safe space to work through these feelings - there is sometimes great potential to transform these feelings into appreciation or admiration without expectation or hurt feelings.
The blurred lines between people can lead to miscommunication and people being strung along if parties aren’t open with their expectations and boundaries. Yet, this particular moment of seeing an extra layer of beauty in someone you care about can also welcome transformative ways of viewing relationships and allows for radical ways of loving and appreciating the people around you.
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| ID: two women in probably a club bathroom. Source: Pinterest. |
3. How to navigate friendships with past romantic connections/ sexual partners?
As well as emotional closeness in friendships between women and queer people, it may be more common that, especially lesbians, have more ‘casual’ sexual intimacy with their friends. To be so vulnerable with someone can be nerve-wracking, but I find that the comfort found in relationships with queer women makes these moments special and not necessarily complicated or difficult to face. Like everything else, the best way to go forward in a friendship after crossing into more-than-friend territory is to openly communicate and create boundaries.
As someone who can't help but wear her heart on her sleeve and who loves deeply, the platonic love I feel in close friendships with the women in my life are integral to my ability to face all the ups and downs of life. Without them, I would not be able to grow into the person I am, and who I am becoming. As confusing it can be to have beautiful, kind, loving women as friends may be as a lesbian - I would not have it any other way.
By Alyssa (she/her)