‘I Can Change That’: A Satirical Guide to the (Im)Possibility of Changing a Lesbian’s Sexual Identity

I have a confession.

ID: Accurate representation of me when a man looks my way. (Kidding!... I think)

 
This article is inspired by my personal experience with a man so utterly convinced that he could “convert” a lesbian. Naturally, as a self-certified girl lover, I cannot help but want to document these wild claims in the form of this tongue-in-cheek guide. And, no – this is not coming from a place of ‘man hating’. Simply, I want to explore the absurdity of claims about being able to change someone else's sexual identity. Perhaps this stems from a weird sort of fascination with being able to bag a girl who says she’s not interested in men, who knows. Anyway, strap in, dear reader – it’s time to take a look at how these toxic ideas manifest.  

The Birth of a Ridiculous Myth:
It all started at a party when I met a guy we will call Dave. By the end of the night, it was clear that Dave wasn’t your everyday conversationalist; he was on a mission. Over a few too many beers, he proudly declared that he could change any girl’s sexual orientation if given the chance. To a room full of queer women. I initially assumed he was joking – after all, who hasn’t been tempted by a bit of hyper-macho banter at parties? But Dave’s deadpan delivery left no room for ambiguity. His claim was based on nothing more than an overinflated ego and a wildly outdated understanding of gender and attraction. 

Dave’s absurd confidence reminded me of the many myths peddled in the records of toxic masculinity. The idea that a man’s charm, or sheer force of will, is so irresistible it could rewrite someone else’s identity. I find this to be not only laughable, but also harmful to rhetorics about how queer people and heteronormative people coexist and interact. And so, in the spirit of satire (and self-preservation), I decided to create a “how-to” guide that mocks this notion at every step.  

Step 1 – Master the Art of Hyper-Heteronormativity:
Before you even attempt the impossible, you must first become a connoisseur of hyper-heteronormativity. According to the “experts” (see, Dave), this means immersing yourself in an endless parade of clichés:

• Overdo Your Masculinity: Think less “gentleman” and more “walking testosterone billboard”. Your laugh should be deep, your handshake firm, and your stories always end with a triumphant flex.
• Adopt a Stereotypical Persona: Remember that confidence is key. Channel every over-the-top movie macho hero and ignore any nuance - after all, nuance is for those who question themselves. Think of, for example, Barney Stinson in the first seasons of How I Met Your Mother.
• Ignore Reality: Suspend your disbelief entirely. In this fantasy, every nuance of human identity is as malleable as a block of clay waiting for your “touch”.

The irony here is that if a man truly believed in his own version of hyper-masculinity, he’d likely have a mirror permanently fixed to his side. Instead, he’s left with a caricature of what he thinks manhood should look like – completely oblivious to the complexities of real human relationships.  

Step 2 – Deploy the Charm Offensive:
Now that you’ve perfected the art of hyper-heteronormativity, it’s time to put that charm to work. The “conversation” process, as Dave would have it, is all about the right blend of cocky compliments and unsolicited advice:

• Compliment Excessively: Flood your target with remarks about how impressive your “manly” qualities are – never mind that these qualities have nothing to do with someone else’s sexual orientation.
• Offer ‘Helpful’ Advice: Step in as if you’re their personal guru. “Have you tried spending more time with guys like me?” might be the opening line of your script.
• Overwhelm with Confidence: The belief is that if you exude enough self-assurance, the other person might eventually “realise” that your way of being is superior.

Spoiler alert: insteading of “converting” anyone, this approach typically leaves the recipient bewildered, offended, or simply laughing at the absurdity. And that’s exactly why it works so well as a parody.  

Step 3 - Wait for the Magic to Happen:
At this point, the “conversation” process is supposed to reach its climax. You’ve done all the hard work – now it’s time to sit back and wait for the magical transformation to occur. In Dave’s deluded vision, the next day you’ll wake up and voilà, the target’s sexual identity will have shifted.

But let’s be honest; sexual orientation isn’t like switching on a light. It’s not a setting on your thermostat that you can simply change with the flick of a dial. The very notion of waiting for a “conversion” miracle is as laughable as it is dangerous. It underscores a deep-seated misunderstanding of identity as something that can be molded by someone else’s will.  

The Harmful Reality Behind the Humour:
While we’re here to laugh at the shocking nature of Dave’s claims, it’s important to remember that ideas like these have real-world consequences - the notion that anyone can “change” another person’s sexual identity:

• Reinforces Toxic Masculinity: It feeds into an outdated power dynamic where a man’s identity is seen as the norm, and any deviation from that is something to be “corrected”.
• Invalidated Authenticity: It trivialises the complexity of human sexuality and reduces it to a mere obstacle to be overcome.
• Encourages Harmful Behaviours: Such ideas segregate the experiences of heteronormative people and queer people, which may lead to the ending of friendships. These destructive practices could damage our communities and the lives of the queer people within them.

Embracing Authenticity – A Call to Reject the Myth:
So, what’s the takeaway from this satirical guide? If you ever encounter someone who thinks they can “change” another person’s sexual identity, inform them about how absurd their ideas are. This could open their eyes as to how disrespectful their behaviour is, and encourage them to learn; for the benefit of you and the queer people they come into contact with in the future.
The real magic lies in embracing who we are, not in trying to change someone else. 

Authenticity is about celebrating diversity, not conforming to a single, outdated ideal. Being queer in a small Scottish town can be hard enough for us to accept, let alone with hearing other people to comment on how they can “change” it. True strength comes from understanding that each person’s identity is their own, to be respected. Let’s channel our energy into uplifting one another, not in trying to rewrite the very essence of who we are. 

While my personal encounter with Dave left me both amused and appalled, it also reaffirmed a simple truth: sexual identity isn’t something that can – or should be – changed by someone else’s delusions of grandeur. If changing identity were as simple as following a step-by-step guide, the world would be an entirely different place – and, frankly, a lot less diverse and interesting. 

So, here’s to laughing at the absurd, celebrating authenticity, and rejecting outdated myths with a healthy dose of humour. After all, if a man truly believes he can change a lesbian’s sexual identity, maybe he should try changing his own outdated ideas first. 

By Kadi (she/her)